Thursday 7 June 2007

Clean Bill

Hey peeps,how una all dey. Yours truly went for a comprehensive check up today at the National Hospital. I just wanted to check if my liver and kidneys still dey work perfectly well. Then my sister suggested that we do the HIV test! HIV ke? My liver just cut. I am not promiscuous but things like that just scare me. After psyching myself i agreed to do the test only to be told we are getting the results in 20minutes. I died a second time.



Results came out and yours truly tested negative, I went on my knees in the ward thanking Baba God for the results. Will be back in the hospital tomorrow for pap smear and other tests. May God help me.

Mr O came back yesterday, he surprised me. Bush man that he is.



I got this from a friend and I thought to share with you guys.





A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr../Ms.Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the no 1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage.



When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.
Let me say it again:
You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone.

You need a lot more
.


Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1:


Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful.
You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart.
50 percent of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom line-and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2:


Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3:


Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test?
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing." So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the world:
People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4:


How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving,
we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:
How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc? How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot you --who can't do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5:


Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married.
As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage ... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.
Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention.
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.
Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults isn't really that important.
Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet-peeves and differences will become more obvious.
If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.
You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths.
You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.
Neither one of you is perfect, but are you perfect for each other?
Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.
Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.
Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain WILL replace the passion.

26 comments:

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

OMG, they always say you should have those test, whether or not you are sexually active. I would be scared, things that go through your mind like that kiss the other day, was he ...lol.. weird stuff goes through your mind, even though its not possible, like when I held his hand, maybe..lol..

anyhows, hope you are well and enjoying yourself. I like the surprise too.. Nice write up as usual.

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

I also wanted to say that I am first.

Oya where is my reward.

temmy tayo said...

@LOASCM: I will send you a big bowl of Eba and Ogbono later today. How about that?

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Thank you..stopped crying now..
my email addy is lifeofastranger@gmail.com

I am waiting ooo..

I think I have found a new mission.. will see how God takes me through.

Smoothvibes said...

I love this post!....Congrats on the HIV test.

zaiprincesa said...

lol..bush gerl..u no won take HIV teset?? ..anywho, its good to be aware...spread the word.....whether u r a pkom or not..and im sure u feel good knowing u have a clean bill of health. Be easy mami.....

Inuke Omotola Davis said...

"Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
"Most times people go into marriage thinking they will be able to change their patner later on".
The way i look at it is that it is very difficult for anyone to change ME so why would i attempt to change them?

Sorry gurl, i meant to email you but i have been so busy. Forgive me jare and send me ognono too!

aloted said...

I love the post!...we all need to ask ourselves these questions sooner or later....

By d way congrats on the HIV test result.. :)

DiAmOnD hawk said...

the HIV test... my boyfriend said we must go get tested.. im like FOR WHAT REASON... no thank you... i mean you know what you know... but still... mi o fe se...

anyhoo... how's naija treating u... how are the plans coming along

chidi said...

i love this piece. agreed with everything you said

Favoured Girl said...

Congrats on getting a negative on the hiv test. I'll be scared to take one o. Still, it's better to know right?
I agreed with the stuff you said about relationships.

ibiluv said...

big ups to you girl
i will most def take my test soon too
i really need to know my status
just to flaunt it like u just flaunted urs
loved ur piece on relationships
yea girl our grannnies did not do the love thing but most of them have marriages that lasted
tolerance is real important in a rel too
cos i know our family's get on our nerves sometimes but we somehow manage to love them thru it all
nice post
ciao

Dolly said...

I agree with everything you said

great post

Uzo said...

The AIDS test thing is not elective with a lot of hospitals now. They just read your results among all the other things...LOL

So Mr O is back? Nice one....

ExcitedJade said...

temmy, lovely.. thANKS FOR SHARING THIS...

TMinx said...

Never done an HIV test oh, even my sis was scared of the results and she was just 13. You can get it from anywhere lol. Anyway congrats and lovethe post. Now tell us if O fits the bill.

Ms. Catwalq said...

I am going to come back and read this post when I want to get married.
Anyhows, aren't u getting on the blog idol band wagon?

PS: thank God you are fine.

BlogVille Idol said...

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Dimples said...

WOW..as in I feel like it's Pastor Bimbo Odukoya(R.I.P)...preaching to me sha!!!

Nice one Temmytayo...I bet someone is happy to have Mr O back!!!..lol

Anonymous said...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, congrats on ur being -ve. wow, that must hav been scary.

Anonymous said...

u need to wash it o, lol.

Nice Post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

David said...

Congrats, Lovely blog and nice post.

Wish you all the best

www.freelancez.blogspot.com

Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

Yayyyy up Uncle O, now you're no longer bored eh?:D

I read Pastor Bimbo Odukoyas book on the marriage issue,it was a really good read.

So how are the wedding plans going?

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

I dont remeber mensuring how good the relationship write up was. Im printing it out and will be talking it over with my peeps.

Fluffycutething said...

These things are truly stuff we should ask ourselves before making committment!!!

I hope they stick in my brain and don't fly out when the next guy is toasting me...;)

Femme said...

ive never done hiv test b4 because of lack of liver but as ive only been with one person and still am, he says as long as he is clean i am. some how typing this makes it sounds foolish